On the impending loss of a loved one: Guest post by Julie Graff

Julie Graff

Today I stand aside and give Julie the floor....

TEACH ME TO NUMBER MY DAYS by Julie Graff (guest blogger)

In thinking about death and dying, I keep being reminded of a conversation I once had with the wife of a hospice patient of mine.  It was my privilege to be a private duty hospice nurse for a time, meaning that I spent twelve hours a day with the same patient in his/her home until they passed away.  This being a full time fly-on-the-wall gave me a lot of insight into the whole experience of death as it is experienced by everyone in the household.  I have often been inspired by the dying, but more often, I've been inspired by those who've survived to tell the tale.  Now I am in this lady's shoes.   My own husband is terminally ill, though not nearly ready (I hope) for hospice care.

The lady I'm referring to broke down one day because, she said, she felt guilty for thinking of herself at all during this time.  She was overwhelmed by despair, not knowing WHAT was going to become of her once her husband died.  She "knew" it was selfish and sinful to worry about herself, but really, where was she supposed to live?  Was there enough money?  Who would help her?  She would be ALONE.  What was she to DO with herself?  She was a wicked person.  Her pain was awful.  She would never have revealed it to another soul if she had had any way of keeping it in.  Ashamed of herself, she apologized for collapsing in front of me.  How to console her?

I realized then, that though the dying go through the "five stages of death and dying"--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance,  and their loved ones along with them, those left behind are left to go through this whole shebang all over again.   They are obliged to accept what is unacceptable to them TWICE.  This lady was simultaneously losing her husband AND being set adrift with no idea of what to do, and she would still have a long row to hoe.  I held her.

And I held her.  She went on with her housework.   I eventually became aware of her standing a little straighter.   Later I was certain I was seeing a spark of mischief in her eyes.  Well.  She had prayed while she was working.  This is what she had to say:  "My days are numbered too, dear, and every one of them is precious.  Just because my husband is dying, it doesn't mean that I am not.  We never know absolutely what is going to happen."  So  I told her of two other hospice cases that I had worked where the whole family was geared toward my patient dying but, when no one was looking, another family member died instead--quite out of order and all unexpected, you see.  (It happened twice again when I worked at the hospital.  This is significant because I was actually a nurse for only fourteen months before I was injured on the job.  I don't know what the statistic is on this, but in my experience there has been a high incidence of people dying out of turn... We really never know...)

I asked her what she’d always wanted to do.  Well, she'd always wanted to see Ireland but had been told it was impossible so she'd quit thinking about it.  I wondered, since I happened to know she didn't have a selfish bone in her body, if she couldn't ask her God to help her make a secret plan to go there.  She allowed as this might be "a pretty good i-deee".  Some months after her husband's death, she went to Ireland.  I have no clue as to how she pulled it off.

Now here I am with my days as numbered as anyone else's;  As numbered as they always have been.  Who will die before whom at our house is not known.  I have made my apologies for cracking up.  A plan is being developed.  After all, you never know.

Peace be with you both Julie - we send you love,

Asta x

Like a snail I carry my one warm room with me and yet something is missing.

May you find harmony between your soul and your life...
(from John O'Donohue's prayer For Belonging)

Here is a picture of our new/old lounge room. Anyone who knows our 'warm room' will recognise it. We've taken it with us where ever we've gone - like a snail carries her home on her back. (I love snails.) It's a room where there is no need for 'any mask of pretense or image' (words borrowed from the new home blessing I shared in the last post).

I have loved reconnecting with very dear old friends, and I have even had one new friend visit, and yet I feel a little off centre. Lonely, but not alone. I can't really pin down exactly what it is, but I know that I'm not quite right. I can't paint. I'm totally blocked. I couldn't even go to church last Sunday - because I just wanted to go back to my church in the country. I could fight these feelings but I sense I just need to sit with them. Sitting shiva with my grieving self. (Sitting shiva is a Jewish custom where you sit alongside someone who is grieving, possibly in silence.)

I have never reacted quite like this before. I wonder if it is the sudden and unexpected change. It is as though, in my hasty move, part of my soul is still on its journey  here. Perhaps I just  need to wait until it catches up.

Half of my family is still in the country. One of my sons will join us in a few days. And my husband in a few weeks. I know that will help.

Meanwhile my warm room will shelter my heart. My daily practises of prayer and journal writing will ground me. Silence will still me. My family, friends and pets will sit with me. I trust that soon my soul and my life will be in alignment and harmony will be restored.

Peace be within you my friends,

Asta x

Behind the red door.

Welcome!

May this be a safe place full of understanding and acceptance, where you can be as you are, without the need of any mask of pretence or image. 
- John O'Donohue

Hello from our new home in the city. Actually it isn't strictly new to us. We bought this house around 17 years ago, and left it 8 years ago when we moved to the country. I grew up in the country. I like it there. In the city I can feel like I have fallen out of a space ship. So much is alien to me. I can't help but wonder if I actually look like a Martian - all green and out of place. Perhaps I will share more of this later on.

Can you see the painting? I painted this just before we left Narrogin. I'm not sure what it is all about I just painted what was in my heart as a way to hold onto 'the peace' in a time of sudden change. In her hands she carries a plant in full bloom, in a round bowl. Is it an offering? Is she receiving the new? Any ideas?

Notice the colour of the door. Something I promised myself was that one of the very first things I would do would be to paint the door red as a sign of hospitality. In our new/ old home family, friends and the stranger will always be welcome. May this home once again be a soft place to land. A spacious place of peace. Somewhere you can just be yourself, seen and accepted.

 A friend signs his emails with this saying - 'porta patet cor magis... the door is open, the heart even more'. That is our new (and old) motto. When we lived here before I  painted a large mural, on the wall that you can see behind the door, on the right. It was of a Mexican street and the message I wrote there was 'mi casa - su casa'. Translated that means 'my house - your house'.  I was so sad when we had to paint over it to rent the house (so were the kids), and I have a feeling that that beautiful blank white wall will be a canvas for me again very soon. I guess it is symbolic of this fresh new canvas we have as we start life anew in our old, not-as-ugly-as-I-thought, much loved home. What excites me about returning is that I have remembered this...

This house is not about the style of it, its age, nor the location of it... it is what happens behind the red door  that matters most, and that is what makes it one special home!

Asta xoxox

'May you have the eyes to see that no visitor arrives without a gift and no guest leaves without a blessing' - from John O'Donohue's blessing for a new home. Prayed over us by my friend and priest Rev Lynda.

Sumara Brown - 'loving, longing, open, thoughtful, odd'

"You've got to be what tomorrow needs" (- My Chemical Romance)  Sumara Brown's favourite quote.  

Like so many of us who are trying to live simply - Sumara often feels like a 'lone boat in a storm'... AND that is why I interview  fellow simple livers. So that we will know that we are not alone at all. To build a tribe. - Asta

1. Describe yourself in 5 words

          Loving. Longing. Open. Thoughtful. Odd.

2. Introduce us to your family.

I’m married to Noel, a very hard-working truck driver. He’s loving and stubborn and makes me laugh. I have two daughters who are 9 and 7, and a 4-year-old son. They are three very different children but have in common their wild smiles and affectionate natures. I love them to bits.

3 What do you see as your priorities? How does that play out in your life?

Priority 1 is the children. That’s meant putting my career-that-never-was on hold, and it’s also meant a lot of your typical rearranging-life-around-the-children stuff with daily life, jobs, finances etc.

Other priorities are reading (to stay informed and for pleasure), music/film/art (for pleasure and general life goodness), trying/learning to be healthy, & finding ways to do things more efficiently or environmentally-friendly.

I love that you include reading and the arts, because I think they are so important to our well being, and in turn that makes  the world a better place.


4. September’s challenge is simple parenting. Would you like to share something that is working for you?

I don’t know about “working”, but I’m learning that children just need to be allowed to be who they are. Sounds so simple, but some children are oh-so-different from any expectations anyone has that it can actually be scary and difficult to just watch them be. It can take a great leap of faith to trust in them to know what they need, but once you take that leap it’s kind of awesome to see what they can achieve.

I also find it really important to just be honest with my kids. They know that I’m human. They see me cry, and lose my temper, and laugh, and apologise, and everything else. And they know they can question me or my rules and get an honest answer. Most of the time (see: I’m human.).

5. Would you call yourself a simple liver? How does your life reflect that? 

                I don’t know, actually. Some aspects of the way I live are quite simple and natural – eg I buy and eat food that’s as natural & chemical-free as possible and I cook from scratch – but some aspects are rather the opposite… I spend an inordinate amount of time staring at that wretched iphone, for example, unable to tear myself away from the daily happenings of far-away people.

                I think I’m more on the path towards simple living than actually there yet.

6. Who inspires you? Perhaps you could share with us who set you off on this path.

Well, Johnny Depp inspires me… but I guess he doesn’t have much to do with simple living.

I think you might be surprised Sumara. How is this quote from Johnny Depp? 'There are four questions of value in life. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is life worth living for, and what is life worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.'

Some people who have inspired me to live more simply are Amanda Soule at soulemama.com, Rhonda from Down To Earth, the couple at happyearth.com.au, a few amazing parents that I met in homeschooling groups last year, and many other friends. I tend to take bits and pieces of information and inspiration from all over the place.

7. What are you reading right now? Do you have some favourite books you could share with us – and in particular any that can inspire us on our simple living journey?

Oh dear, well, right now I’m reading “Crop Circles: Signs of Contact” by Colin Andrews. How’s that for left field? But actually, from what I’ve read so far, the message seems to be that crop circles could be a “message” from earth itself warning humankind about environmental damage…. So I guess it could be quite relevant… grain of salt may be required.

Also currently reading a book about film. I love film.

I haven’t actually got any books about simple living – as you can see above I tend to get that input from blogs and friends. But I can’t answer this question without mentioning my favourite book of all time – Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. It will definitely inspire you on any kind of journey.

8. What are you passionate about?

Film, theatre, acting – I have a theatre degree and would still love to get back into it.

Music – I don’t play much anymore but I listen a great deal, and my favourite bands are quite ridiculously important to me.

Gender equality – I cannot STAND gender stereotyping or gender discrimination, it makes me SO angry. It’s one of the few things I will actually make phone calls or send emails to complain about. I am stubbornly determined that my children will know they can wear/do/play/read/study/go/be anything and anyone, and anywhere they want.

9. What do you hope for? Dream of? 

Ok – I want to live on our property, raising animals & vegetables and making beautiful things, while working as an actor in film and theatre, traveling the world, earning enough money to provide for my family and give lots away.

I dream, also, of having my close friends closer by, of my children growing to be amazing, loving, hardworking adults, of meeting the people who inspire me, of helping to change the world by daring to speak up.

I dream of a world where everyone who has any space grows their own food and creates their own power and shares what they have, and where communities can rely on each other.

I feel a bit like John Lennon right now. I’m not sorry. :)

10. What can we learn from you? Or if you prefer – what have you learnt?

You could learn from me that people can be so much more than one impression or one side of a personality. I would happily teach you (lecture you, as Noel would probably call my insistent exhortations…) that there is always another side to the story. My parents always told me I was arguing just for the sake of arguing. I just so desperately needed to point out that there might be another point of view.

As for what I’ve learnt – gosh, a lot. How about a simple one – when something needs doing, it’s always easier to do it straight away. Waiting until some other time is never the right answer. Just do it, and then it’s done. (Please note I rarely actually succeed in this ideal… there are always undone jobs waiting in my life. But I’m getting there!)


11. What is one of your biggest simple living challenges? 

I find it hard feeling like a lone boat in a storm. I don’t have much of a community around me here, and Noel is not all that passionate about this sort of thing so I tend to feel like it’s just lil ole me, not making much of a dent in the world. That’s one reason I rely on online friends/communities so much.

12. You have just started blogging. Would you like to share with us why you started your blog and what your focus is?

Movin’ to the Country is all about us transitioning from suburban townhouse-dwellers to country landowners. I started it to a) allow friends & family to keep up with plans & progress, and b) reach out to find like-minded people. It also gives me a place to explore issues and ideas that come up along the way.

http://movintothecountry.wordpress.com/

13. You are a valuable contributor on The Simply Living Challenge. What appeals to you about the page? How can we support you? 

Thank you! The appeal is twofold – the inspiring ideas and the encouragement from others. It’s such a friendly place. Having you all visit the blog when I mention it is much appreciated!

14. Anything else you want to share? 

          Just that I'm very glad I found this page and community. Its a lovely place and really helps me to remember that every little step I take towards an ideal is some progress. Every little bit really does help. 

I can't thank you enough Sumara - for taking time out of your day to answer my questions. It has been lovely to get to know you better. 

Live simply so that others might simply live...

Peace and all good to you my friends,

Asta x
                

Are we fools?

Flowers in second hand bottles and animals decorate Asta's home.

'See us go the fool's way
gathering all about us
for a covering, a surety,
a pleasure;
Opiates to fill time's hollow;
piles of things which rot away
or linger near our ankles
to stop us dancing.'
(from 'Simplicity' by Mark A Burch)

I rarely go to the city, which was obvious by my reaction to the city on the weekend.

I felt like an alien or a newborn when I walked through the shopping centres. It was like seeing things for the first time. Everything screamed for my attention; noises, smells, people rushing about, bright colours and flashing lights... there were no windows to anchor me to the real world. It was all plastic and fantastic... the latest this and that, the 'must buys'. If shopping really did fulfil us, as the advertising promises, then there would be no reason to go back to the shops, and there would be little need for them.

I hear that people are sleeping out tonight, at the Apple stores, so that they can be the first to buy the latest iPhone, which incidentally will have obsolescence built into it and so we can be certain there will be more overnight stays in the future!

My recent experience made me realise, more than ever, what I have known deep down for a long time - we who want to live simply must find a tribe to support us. We can not do this alone. We are like salmon swimming against the tide and that is hard work. The more we join together, the more we can stand firm in peace and love, and others will see that there truly is a life giving alternative (for us and the world) - and just maybe the tide will turn. Idealistic? Yes I am!!! Nothing has the right to 'linger near our ankles and stop us dancing', and we have no right to shop with abandon with no thought of the bigger picture.

Live simply so that others might simply live,

Asta x

NB - I am moving back to the city. I will need my tribe!!

Meet the face behind Nans Common Sense: An interview with Georgina Kalwak

'A simple liver to me is someone who has mostly forsaken commercialism and lives more true to nature and replaces what they have used.''- Georgina Kalwak 

Georgina and her handsome husband

1. Describe yourself in 5 words
Compassionate, Industrious, Independent, Loyal, Frugal

2 Introduce us to your family
Well, my family is a blended one. Both my parents remarried when my brothers and I were young. This added 2 stepsisters and a stepbrother to the brood. I too now have a son who is 21 and a stepson who is almost 7. Because we have an extended family it brings certain challenges with it. One of those is financial. This is where the skills that both of my grandmothers taught our family comes into fruition. They both raised their families during the Depression. Times were tough and this lead to serious and necessary budgeting. It also made it easy to lay the ground work for the Nan's Common Cents blog and Facebook page. My mother and I both joke that we could squeeze blood from a penny if we had to - and can - due to those skills.

3. What do you see as your priorities? How does that play out in your life?
Again, my mother and I have a saying that we bounce back and force, “You only go around once – this ain’t no dress rehearsal.” I am blessed to have my health, a husband who loves me, a good relationship with my son, a career that has provided many challenges but pays the bills, and (hopefully) a fair share of common sense. Everything else spring boards from there. My priorities are always to help provide for my family, but now that my son is a young adult, there is more time to focus on my next career, which will begin in 2 years when I retire from the military. 

4. September’s challenge is going to focus on simple parenting. Do you have a tip on parenting an adult child? 
My son now being a young adult and him living on his own means most of my daily parenting is over. Our relationship is mostly defined by being more friends and as an on-call advisor, lol. If I look back over the last 20 years, I would have to say that there are some things I would do differently; things I am now trying to establish in our time together, such as being a better listener. Seeing my son as his own adult helps that to happen easier. We all tend to hold those memories of our children when they are younger and it's easy to remain seeing them that way. By seeing them as adults, their abilities and talents are more recognizable and appreciated. I also try to be supportive of his ideas and be that cheerleader that we all need sometimes. My son had a hard time in school growing up, so I guess some of it is trying to make sure he has more positive support as he makes his own way in the world. 

5. We have been considering the power of words in August. Would you like to comment on that? 
I think that there is a lot of both goodness and ugliness in the world and whatever brings, contentment, joy, peace and compassion is what we need more of in our day- to-day lives, especially concerning the words that we speak. I believe we are called to our talents and abilities and that each person should try to follow their heart in what they believe is the best path for them. It takes a lot of courage and strength to do that. In turn, that strength is there for an example for others to do the same in their lives. Words of encouragement are what women especially thrive on. That in and of itself is a powerful force that balances irreverence around us. 

6. Would you call yourself a simple liver? How does your life reflect that? 
A simple liver to me is someone who has mostly forsaken commercialism and lives more true to nature and replaces what they have used. A society such as the Amish defines that for me. Simple living is a personal goal, not so much an adjective. Do I strive for that? Yes, in many ways. Do I always meet that goal? Not nearly as much as I would like - it’s a never-ending pursuit of being mindful. What I’ve learned in my lifetime is to appreciate the blessings given to our family and to be mindful of other cultures and what can be learned from them. 

7. Who inspires you? Perhaps you could share with us who set you off on this path.
Both of my grandmothers, who have both passed now, continue to be my inspiration. They lived simple lives and had so much common sense and wisdom. Their core values will live on because, I now see my son using their wisdom in his life choices. It makes me both proud of him and proud of my family and that we all learned those invaluable skills early on in life. I guess you could call it our family legacy.

8. Do you have some favourite books you could share with us? 
To be honest, most of the books I read these days are simple living, frugal living and entrepreneurial in nature. It's almost become an obsession. Go ahead and ask my husband, lol.

9. What are you reading right now? 
I hate to say it, but as an adult my attention span isn't what it us to be, so I usually start several books at once. Lately, most are on home improvement or self-sustainment, frugal living or on how to be an entrepreneur.

10. What are you passionate about?
My first passion is budgeting. I am a list maker and tend to rework our budget from a variety of ways, always looking for an opportunity to pinch a penny or stretch a dollar. Secondly, I am passionate about bodywork. I retire from the military in 2 years and am starting massage therapy school this year. This will allow a clientele to grow by the end of my time in service. How the body works, especially during recovery from injury, has been a growing interest. Proper body movement and structural alignment is so important to well being.

10. What do you hope for? Dream of? 
This is a tough question to answer. On a smaller scale, I just hope to continue simplifying day-to-day life in any way that seems right for our family. There is a lot of peace in organizing and decluttering. It makes you appreciate what you really have and not just in terms of material possessions. Recently, time has become more important and the drive to not waste that asset is always on my mind. 

11. What can we learn from you? (Or if you prefer – what have you learnt?)
Wow, this is a humbling question. If I could pass one thing along, it would be to appreciate what time we have here on Earth. Life is precious and can be so fleeting, so we should live our lives with passion according to the gifts and talents that we have. God blessed us each with differences that are meant to inspire and uplift each other. To not use them takes away from the blessings for ourselves and others.

12. What is one of your biggest simple living challenges? 
I tend to go to extremes sometimes with our budget. We spend a lot at times, but we also save a lot too. When my husband and I married, we decided to stay out of debt and are now paying off our mortgage. As exciting as it is, it requires some discipline, so it's hard to sometimes balance that all out when you want to go to the stores to shop. That is probably the hardest thing - to NOT make shopping a hobby. It can get you into trouble if you don't have much control. Thank goodness I have a wonderful husband who is kind enough to remind me of our goals when needed.

13. You have a fantastic Facebook page. Would you like to share with us why you started that page and what your intentions are? 
Facebook is supposed to link to my blog www.nanscommoncents.wordpress.com and eventually link to the eBook that I'm writing. The topic for all three is just to try and inspire folks to find independence from debt and to have fun along the way. That can happen in many different ways and is a different path for each person. No one way is right or wrong. Facebook and blogging are fantastic ways to meet like-minded people like yourself, Asta. It's exciting to meet people around the world and learn of their ideas and passions. Everyone needs a fan club, right???

14. You are a valuable contributor of The Simply Living Challenge. What appeals to you about the page/ blog? How can we support you? 
The Simply Living Challenge is so inspirational. Just when I kind of think life is figured out a bit (silly, right?), a post will bring a perspective that blows me away. The most striking thing about your blog is the sincerity and genuineness of you and your contributors. Again, your passion for sharing this is humbling and inspires me to be a better writer/blogger.

Lovely words Georgina. Thank you!

15. Anything else you want to share? 
Just that living frugally and simply doesn't have to be hard. Some of the best times we've had was when we had the least money. It gets your creative juices flowing and brings your family closer. If you are trying to get out of debt, be patient with yourself and your situation. Debt doesn't usually happen overnight, so it takes as long to get out from under it. Find someone who inspires you and stick to your goals - you will get there.

I can't thank you enough for being so open and sharing with us, Georgina. Keep fighting the good fight! We love what you have to say. Can't wait to see what you come up with for our The Simply Living Challenge Manual. 

Asta x

https://www.facebook.com/nans.cents

What colour is your version of simple living?

I wish blue was a natural hair colour!

Red and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue.
 I can sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow too... 

(Did I get the order of colours right?)

I love rainbows and all of their colours. I used to run a grief and loss program called Rainbows when I was a high school chaplain. I loved it for many reasons - and one of those was a very superficial reason - I got to wear my rainbow scarf! 

My house is full of colours. I have 'rescued' crocheted lap blankets on every pre-loved chair and hand knitted covers on my cushions. A friend was going to throw them out, can you believe that? She inherited them with her house. To me they were treasures - to her they were tacky. I have tapestries on the wall - created just for me, by a lovely old lady who is a friend of the family. 

This leads me to the point of this post. As simple livers we come in all different colours, and then within these colours - all different shades. 

Some are homesteaders on large plots of land. Some are vegans. Some kill their own meat. There are people who grow their own but they live on little suburban blocks. Me? Just now I grow only strawberries, native plants (they grow themselves), roses and weeds. I'm really good at growing weeds! I love that others grow their own, and I am learning so much from them. I even get to share in produce from the hard work of some of my friends. 

When we were first married we lived on a large block in the city. We had bees, and chooks (i.e. hens), and ducks and my husband grew our vegies. Now we live in the country on a small block, and we have moved so many times over the years that I just don't seem to be able to get started. 

Some simple livers are minimalists. Not me again... but I do subscribe to the philosophy and strive to hold all things lightly and to only have in my home what I love or can use. I totally agree that clutter - physical or mental - is a burden. 

Some make from scratch. Some brush their teeth with bicarb soda. Some adore upcycling and regifting. Some love old fashioned books - some e-books. 

Some don't own a car. Some only buy local. Some aspire to zero waste homes.

Some use toilet cloths. Shock horror!!! Some even compost human manure! (I love how controversial we can be!)

Some love verge collections and dumpster diving. 

Some think about their impact on the world, and that motivates their choices. They want to share the world's resources. They buy fair trade. They are environmentally conscious. Living simply so that others might simply live. 

Some are frugal - out of necessity, or to give them some level of freedom of choice - often to pursue their dreams, or so they have time to volunteer or to give money away. 

Some have some sort of spirituality that perhaps guides their choices (me) - others do not.

There are op shopping-buy nothing new-fashion fasters... There are so many versions and combinations. It is so exciting. No wonder I love this simple living world so much.

For almost all of us simple living means putting people and values above material possessions. It seems that most of us are trying to work out the difference between our needs and wants. 

At the Simply Living Challenge Facebook page, the other day, I posted something that someone openly disagreed with. We agreed to disagree. It was totally harmonious.  

I was asked for writer's guidelines for the book we are creating together here. Here it is: simple livers are the same but different. Be true to your version of simple living. That is all I ask. There is no right or wrong - just as there is no one right or wrong choice of favourite colour (though I do love my electric blue wig!). 

So go in peace my friends - to celebrate your colour of simple living, and if you feel like you'd like to - please consider sharing your version with us in our manual. (Scroll down to the previous post for more information or leave a comment.) 

Asta x