On the impending loss of a loved one: Guest post by Julie Graff

Julie Graff

Today I stand aside and give Julie the floor....

TEACH ME TO NUMBER MY DAYS by Julie Graff (guest blogger)

In thinking about death and dying, I keep being reminded of a conversation I once had with the wife of a hospice patient of mine.  It was my privilege to be a private duty hospice nurse for a time, meaning that I spent twelve hours a day with the same patient in his/her home until they passed away.  This being a full time fly-on-the-wall gave me a lot of insight into the whole experience of death as it is experienced by everyone in the household.  I have often been inspired by the dying, but more often, I've been inspired by those who've survived to tell the tale.  Now I am in this lady's shoes.   My own husband is terminally ill, though not nearly ready (I hope) for hospice care.

The lady I'm referring to broke down one day because, she said, she felt guilty for thinking of herself at all during this time.  She was overwhelmed by despair, not knowing WHAT was going to become of her once her husband died.  She "knew" it was selfish and sinful to worry about herself, but really, where was she supposed to live?  Was there enough money?  Who would help her?  She would be ALONE.  What was she to DO with herself?  She was a wicked person.  Her pain was awful.  She would never have revealed it to another soul if she had had any way of keeping it in.  Ashamed of herself, she apologized for collapsing in front of me.  How to console her?

I realized then, that though the dying go through the "five stages of death and dying"--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance,  and their loved ones along with them, those left behind are left to go through this whole shebang all over again.   They are obliged to accept what is unacceptable to them TWICE.  This lady was simultaneously losing her husband AND being set adrift with no idea of what to do, and she would still have a long row to hoe.  I held her.

And I held her.  She went on with her housework.   I eventually became aware of her standing a little straighter.   Later I was certain I was seeing a spark of mischief in her eyes.  Well.  She had prayed while she was working.  This is what she had to say:  "My days are numbered too, dear, and every one of them is precious.  Just because my husband is dying, it doesn't mean that I am not.  We never know absolutely what is going to happen."  So  I told her of two other hospice cases that I had worked where the whole family was geared toward my patient dying but, when no one was looking, another family member died instead--quite out of order and all unexpected, you see.  (It happened twice again when I worked at the hospital.  This is significant because I was actually a nurse for only fourteen months before I was injured on the job.  I don't know what the statistic is on this, but in my experience there has been a high incidence of people dying out of turn... We really never know...)

I asked her what she’d always wanted to do.  Well, she'd always wanted to see Ireland but had been told it was impossible so she'd quit thinking about it.  I wondered, since I happened to know she didn't have a selfish bone in her body, if she couldn't ask her God to help her make a secret plan to go there.  She allowed as this might be "a pretty good i-deee".  Some months after her husband's death, she went to Ireland.  I have no clue as to how she pulled it off.

Now here I am with my days as numbered as anyone else's;  As numbered as they always have been.  Who will die before whom at our house is not known.  I have made my apologies for cracking up.  A plan is being developed.  After all, you never know.

Peace be with you both Julie - we send you love,

Asta x

Rachael Jamieson Newton

Rachael Jamieson Newton

'Instead of deciding all the things that are right and wrong with the world and what everybody else should be doing, the Lord spoke to me about going deeper in the simple things.' - Rachael  

Meet Rachael - a valuable member of The Simply Living Challenge Facebook page community.

Welcome Rachael. It is just lovely to have you here. Let's get straight into it. How would you describe yourself in 5 words?

   

Loyal, Open-minded, Funny, Bossy and Visionary 

Please introduce us to your family.

My husband is Ben - he is a wonderful and interesting man. We've been married for 12 years in September. We have two utterly fabulous children. William, who has just turned 6, is kind and clever and curious and soft-hearted. Scarlett is 3, and is a fascinating little person. Determined yet soft, savvy, hilarious and strong. I see both Ben and I in both of them. I'm also one of 5 daughters (the second eldest, like Elizabeth Bennett!) and I've married into a wonderful extended family.

What do you see as your priorities? How does that play out in your life?

I definitely feel grounded in my conviction that my life is a gift from God, and that His purposes should be mine. I've always felt tension by having both an incredible maternal desire and a sense of calling and ambition about my career (teaching, and educational leadership). I have no desire to combine these as a home-schooler, so God has very kindly given me great peace about the seasons in life! Right now, my focus is on raising our children. I don't want this time of having young children to be spent wishing I could be somewhere else. I want to see this "simply" - to be present, to deal with the things that come up today, to teach them as they ask specific questions, to use moments in time like tiny building blocks. Some part-time teaching (and an inspired list of ideas to do when I have my own class again someday) keep my priorities clear. Over the last few years God has really taught me that when I am faithful with what's in my hands, He provides great opportunities to serve Him. It's been an exciting, and simplifying mindset!

Would you call yourself a simple liver? How does your life reflect that?

I would call myself a "dabbler," someone still very much learning about Simple Living. The idea appeals very much to my husband, who is naturally frugal and not at all materialistic. It's harder for me. I have a strong conviction of stewardship over the environment as a Christian (it staggers me that for many Christians this seems like a foreign idea), and I am being challenged very much about the notion of things I "need". Ben and I are very mindful of the message that having loads of "stuff" sends to our children. We have a veggie garden, and we're looking for our next home with top priorities being room for vegies, an orchard and chooks (though I confess hens terrify me.) I've found myself making small changes and there's a new voice in the back of my head which says "Do you really need that?"

I have that same voice speaking to me Rachael. It is all too easy to get needs and wants confused. 

Who inspires you? Perhaps you could share with us who set you off on this path.

This path started spiritually for me. I have been dwelling very much on the notion that Christians spend a lot of wasted head space bothering ourselves with doctrine and theology I refer to as "God's Business". Instead of deciding all the things that are right and wrong with the world and what everybody else should be doing, the Lord spoke to me about going deeper in the simple things. At the moment I'm meditating on "Love Thy Neighbour". If I spend a lifetime getting that entrenched in my heart, I think I will be a "good and faithful servant". So that spiritual walk has of course affected the natural, and so I am challenged to see that outworked. 

This on-line community is inspiring (though family toilet towels will NEVER be a part of my life - we'll stick to recycled paper). I recently made a jewellery hangers from an array of sticks I found, instead of buying the pretty French-inspired manaquin I wanted. Ben is very proud of that, although worried he'll lose an eye on the way to the loo in the middle of the night. I've also started shopping at a farm shop in our area, with local fruits and vegetables. I've also ventured more into op shops, not writing them off as comical places to find costumes for 70's parties (I saw some great stuff last time). Small steps.....

That's wise Rachael. I have the feeling that if we start with small steps whatever we do is more likely to be sustainable. 

Would you say you have a tribe who support you in your choice of life style? Who are they?

My closest friends would definitely share in some of these ideals and support all I do. My church community may think I'm slightly mild or left-of-centre (most would support some version of prosperity doctrine), but I'm sure others would share some of these ideas. I've always wanted a patchwork experience of Christianity - a broad blanket which connects with all kinds of believers who live a life for Christ the best way they know how. My husband and I very deliberately want this for our children too. This online community is an important patch on that quilt.

Oh I like that!

August's challenge is speech/ words. Last week I touched on honesty. Could you comment on the saying ‘Honesty is the best policy’?

Surely the opposite of simple is complicated. Being honest usually simplifies things. We all know how we can end in a tangled and complicated mess when lies are told. Having said that, "Honesty is the best policy" doesn't mean saying whatever is in your head, true or not. Surely the best policy is to love your neighbour as yourself - I would want the truth told to me when it will help or enlighten or challenge me, and I would want people to quietly say nothing and love me anyway when their "honest" view would cause me hurt or harm.

Do you have some favourite books you could share with us? 

Favourite books of all-time are the Anne of Green Gables series. I have read the whole series every year since I was about 13. They have changed my life. I generally prefer fiction and some favourites are the Diana Gabaldon books, "The God of Small Things", anything by Jodi Picoult, "The Eagle and the Raven" and "The Long Ships" (thanks Dad for those) and a good splash of classics.  

What are you reading right now?

Anne of Avonlea (my run started late this year) and a fascinating novel called "Day for Night" by Frederick Reiken. I've also read "Jac of Hearts", a novel for young people that a teacher friend of mine wrote. I'm also stuck in 1 Corinthians 13 - going deep in the 'love' chapter.

What are you passionate about?

My family - I think of my children and my heart skips a beat. My friends. Traveling - I combined Italy and my best friend earlier this year and it was food for the soul (and belly). I am absolutely passionate about children - seeing them learn and develop a life-long love of learning, and find their own personal walk with God. All things education. Art. Living my life with an undoubted sense of purpose. Seeing others find this too.

What do you hope for? Dream of?

I hope that my children walk with God. I hope that the children I teach do this too. I hope that my mother finds peace in her life, and my sisters too. I dream of children growing up (especially mine) and telling me that I helped them find God and to walk a purposeful path in life. I hope that in all the busyness of life (which I like) I truly do learn to go deeper in the simple things, and live a life that gives rather than takes away from others. 

What can we learn from you? (or if you prefer – what have you learnt?)

Apart from some handy literacy tips? How to tackle long multiplication? As far as Simply Living goes, I am an absolute beginner. I guess across my lifetime though, I've learned through many (often difficult times) to be content. Surely that's at the heart of Simply Living. 

Yes Rachael, I think you have touched on something important there. 

What is one of your biggest simple living challenges?

Retrieving eggs from hens will be a biggy! Also changing entrenched ideas about "needs and wants". 

You are a valuable contributor on The Simply Living Challenge. What appeals to you about the page? How can we support you?

It is so encouraging to see and hear how people live. How people have taken on a sense of conviction, and are faithfully going about living out that conviction in their own day to day lives. I love the focus each month. In small ways, sometimes just in my spirit and my head, I am challenged and changing. Thank you for that. 

Anything else you want to share?

Just again - thank you. Oh, and tips on keeping chooks without having to go near them much? 

Okay Community - any ideas on the hen problem?

 Thanks Rachael for taking the time to do the interview and for sharing something about your version of simple living. Personally I am going to spend some time today thinking about what you had to say about 'needs'. - Asta x

As always comments are encouraged. I just love to see the conversation continue. 

Is the Simply Living Challenge working?

St Boniface -  Anglican Cathedral, Bunbury 

(a spacious place)

So is it working - this Simply Living Challenge? ( http://www.facebook.com/thesimplylivingchallenge)

Am I really managing to simplify my life? The simple answer is yes - but the long answer has a 'but' attached to it. BUT I have a long way to go. Thank goodness I still have a large part of this year left. And thank goodness I have a lifetime to work on it. The more I travel this simple living journey the more I come to realise how much more there is to pare back, and in so many ways. 

A word that has always scared me is now wooing me in the strangest and most unexpected way. The word is 'minimalism'. I used to think it meant white, and plain, and 'lack,' and boring. But now I see it can mean spacious, in a spiritual sort of way. And I long for a spacious place. I don't mean a large place. I mean a place where I can breathe. A place of simplicity. It certainly doesn't mean that I need to get rid of my eclectic furniture and colourful pre-loved crocheted blankets and cushions, but it might. I still have much to consider on this Simply Living Challenge. 

In month one - January - I considered 'Appearance'.

In February - the challenge was 'Making from Scratch'.

In March - it was 'Simplifying the Soul'.

And this month - April - it is 'Clutter-busting'. 

I started January alone and then friends, and then friends of friends started liking the page. And then I invited Ellen Scott Grable to administer the page with me. I knew her input would encourage others, but I also (selfishly) knew that if anyone could help whip me into shape it would be Ellen! And how right I was. Her mini challenges have had me dress more simply, feed my family by bartering, taught me how to budget and had me consider what I would replace if a fire burnt down our home - surprisingly, very little!

The Simply Living Challenge has me exposing the real me, in many different ways. For a start I'm no longer hiding behind make-up. I'm not putting anything on my skin that I can't eat. I think before I buy: Am I prepared to spend money on this? Will it hurt anyone, animals or this beautiful earth? Can I use what I have? Can I make it? Can I buy it second hand or can I swap or share? And I positively love to upcycle/ repurpose. I re-gift. I consider (and re-consider) my commitments. I ponder on how my living simply might help others to simply live. How might I be more generous? Where can I bring peace? Where can I make a difference?  As stuff loses its hold on me - all of creation, including nature and animals and humankind, increases in importance to me, and I can truly walk in the footsteps of St Francis who followed the way of Jesus.  

And now, in challenge 4 I am cutting the clutter from my life - both outer and inner, and I am learning that outer clutter makes inner peace much more difficult.I can't stand my paper piles and the boxes and boxes of cards and photos, and jars of human bits and pieces, like baby hair and teeth! 

I hate to admit it but all those books (those books that I profess to love) are causing me stress too. They clutter our already very small house. And so I am hoping - though I am not too confident - that I can cull some of them. I am also happy for the first time to sit with space. I no longer feel the desire to fill up a half empty book case. 

If I can make some room in our home I suspect that I might actually be quite happy to have a wall with nothing against it! Perhaps less really is more. If I keep walking my talk I think I just might find out.

Asta x

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